First she started to cut back on the time she saw our son, using various excuses which I am sure were valid. After about six months she lost her job and had moved about three times,  each time there was a change in her life she was able to explain it away to our son. I on the other hand knew I was witnessing a pattern. Each time she moved home,  she stated that the people she was living with were making life difficult,  it was never the other way around. It was the same when she lost her job and subsequent jobs. Street charity vendor, call centre worker, waitress, and so on.

The fact that she was seeing our son less was I think a blessing, it was becoming very apparent to me that for  the short time she was with him every week, she was taking a great effort to keep herself together and show a positive person to the world, mainly me and our son. I was becoming very concerned she might let her guard down and cause some distress to our boy.  I found myself preforming a juggling act trying to keep three or more balls in the air at one time. Hide my concerns from my son and also from his mum and continue  with the visits as if nothing was wrong. I had chosen the path of least resistance,  as I told myself.

For the most part she was harmless, I also told my delusional self. The only real control she had on me was our shared parentage, and the constant doubt she had placed in my mind over the years about whether she would or would not finally lose her hold on reality. But perhaps what she did not realise was that I was aware of this controlling behaviour and only went along with it because of our son.The problem was it had taken it's toll and I was getting jumpy. With her miles away it was fine, but her living in the same city I admit was making me overly nervous, maybe not so harmless then.To use that excellent expression,"I felt like I was stuck between a rock and a hard place".

Every day I would weigh up the situation and every day I  would give her the benefit of the doubt, what would cause more damage, stopping my son seeing his mother altogether or letting him spend a few hours once a week with her? I must have asked that same question of myself several hundreds of times. On more than one occasion I brought him to see his mum then promptly turned around and took him home again because I was not happy with, where she was living at the time, or her appearance would send an alarm ringing in my head.