As my six year anniversary approaches of  lone parenthood it occurs to me that I have become desensitized somewhat to my sons autism . What might seem a little odd to on lookers to me has become the norm, one of the perks if you like is that my son is not encumbered by the usual embarrassment most other children of his age possess. He happily walks along a street with me, his arm in my arm with not a thought to how it might look to others, even children he might know.

I have often thought to myself, how important a society is with diversity of character, how we should celebrate our differences and not feel we should always follow the crowd. as my son grows older it seems less and less likely that he will be one who follows. Although it is apparent to me that he curbs some of his more eccentric thoughts and actions when among his peers from his main stream school. When he is among other children on the autistic spectrum he fairly flies. In term time once a week he attends a club that was set up specifically for children on the spectrum. It is one of the most favorite times of his week. It lifts my heart to see the excitement on his face as he approaches the doors of the club and to witness the welcome he receives from the other children. Similarly he attends a play scheme for two weeks in the summer organised again for children on the spectrum this is possibly the happiest I see him,(except when he plays with his favorite cousin).

I know however that he has grappled with the fact that he has autism, perhaps not immediately on discovering this fact, which I am estimating happened about when he was aged nine, but certainly in recent months as he is now in his twelfth year of life. With quiet observation I have seen how he becomes a toned down version of himself when he is with the children from his school. I can see the challenge he faces on a daily basis to not cause alarm amongst his friends when he gets his uncontrollable urges to be 'autistic'. which to me is more about him celebrating life and all its wonders, than trying to impress or seem cool or different.

I know his friends at school also quietly envy him at times because of his lack of embarrassment, and how at times he will say or do what ever it is he is feeling at any given time. I also know these same friends will be with him as he grows older and moves to secondary school and that he will share with them the trials of puberty. Beyond that I have no idea what to expect. I am a little excited, a little nervous, and a little afraid.

It is fairly regular these days that I will read a story in a newspaper or see an item on television that features autism. I generally find once I get to the end of the article or TV item, that I am no wiser from when I started. Unless you have a genuine interest in autism then I don't think there is any need to report about it. Documentaries show autistic children and adults to be different, or to use their favourite word 'special' they never show autistic children or adults just going about their business. How about we see them doing all the positive things, working with helpers , carers, and educators. What main stream has not yet cottoned on to is that autism is on the rise and it is here to stay. Autistic behaviour is not something,  to be wiped out like polio, or given an immunisation like measles. It is part of our evolution.(not wishing to sound like a mad scientist).

An average primary school of about 300 pupils may have one or two autistic children attending now in 2013 but I would make a serious bet that in years to come that number will only increase. Granted the process of diagnosing has radically improved and children are being placed on the spectrum who a few years ago would be just thought of as a little slow,  but that still does not detract from the fact that the number of children being born with autism is on the increase. Here in the U.K the estimate is one in every 100 and now in the U.S.A.  recent estimates have suggested that it is as many as one in every 88 children born.

Since no one really knows what causes autism, I have taken it upon my self to ask any body who has contact with autistic people on a regular basis, what they think causes it. I have asked Doctors, teachers, (primary and secondary), pediatricians, psychologists, and other parents like myself. Some say "no one knows" others say "there is an anomaly in the brain" which is fine but what causes that. The best answer and one that makes most sense is "there is too much stimuli out there, it is all around us all the time, for approximately nine months baby goes were mum goes hears what mum hears watches what mum watches" Not for nothing do they tell us playing Mozart to our unborn children improves their intelligence.So unless we can learn to live in near silence again,  with the only media shouting at us is the paper seller on the corner, I think we are going to have to get used to welcoming more and more autistic children into the world.

Off course I am but a humble parent of an autistic boy now 11 years old, I have spent those years looking after him and not at University studying Autism. So anything I have to say is purely gleaned from experience.It is a layman's perspective if you will.

As I have said before, at home it is just my son and I which I think makes life a lot easier, but at the same time I think I have to be careful I am not 'enabling' him. I feel it is important to challenge him and his autistic behaviour, to take him out of his comfort zones from time to time. For years I have been letting him leave his bricks, neatly arranged on the sitting room floor, over night. Initially because if I attempted to move them just before bedtime he would have a serious melt down, as if moving them was threatening to life itself. If I tried to tidy them away in the night while he was sleeping, my actions were met with the same response in the morning. Making our morning routine before school a little more complicated than usual. I was also the recipient of  some harsh words and deathly stares. We share a home,  and I would much rather a clutter free sitting room floor,  but as I was the only one effected I would let it pass.

But this habit could not continue,  I wanted him to learn that life is full of compromise and what he does effects others, I wanted him to learn empathy. An emotion that comes naturally to most of us, but to a child with autism this is a different matter. His often times blinkered view of his own world, only serves to exclude others, understanding this is one thing but feeling it is quite another.

My first tactic was to feign falling over the bricks and then complaining about them being on the floor, and before he had time to do anything I would start to tidy them away. I had a about a three minute window before  the complaining started at which point I would engage my son in a conversation, trying to reason with him,  off course having been left alone with his bricks for so long,  to get him to my way of thinking I was facing a high hill to climb. Another thing I tried which worked a lot better was, I would tell him there was to be a flat inspection and the floor had to be clear. On announcing this he was very compliant, he most definitely   responds to orders from unseen authority.

In the end we compromised and after much discussion it was decided that if any of the bricks were loose, not part of a structure then they should be tidied away, and if any bricks were joined and forming some kind of object no matter how obscure they could stay. This was achieved over about two years not forgetting he is maturing all the time.

Not until I knew his mother was two thousand miles away did I start to realise just how jittery I had become.  I felt like I had done so much work with my son,  and he had progressed so much,  that I did not want her to  interfere but she is his mother. Her time in Scotland was for me,  a bit of a white knuckle ride. Funny how you realise things after the fact, probably better that way.

We heard nothing from her for about four weeks, then I received a phone call. She spoke as if we had just spoken the day before and asked casually to speak to our son. In hindsight, the four week gap in communication gave my son time to get used to the idea she was gone, before she left she had said to him that she would return. But in that first phone call she explained to him that she was not returning to Scotland.

As a parent of an autistic child you find yourself preparing your child for up coming events, explaining how any given day is going to unfold. Answering all questions about what will be taking place with as much clarity as is possible. You do this because if you don't your child can become very distressed. If for some reason plans are changed at short notice, well you better put aside one or two hours of your day,  while you explain why plans have changed and what instead is happening. On days when this has happened to me, I have tried to just bite the bullet and go ahead with the new plans with out any explanation, in doing so I have ruined the day and rued the day I tried it. But onward and upwards.

So on hearing the news that his mother was not in fact returning I steeled myself for a long day of explanations and comforting my son. However his response was numbness, which I think was far more upsetting for me to witness than what I was expecting. When he responds in this way it is the last straw, if you like,  there is no where else for his emotions to go, and no amount of coaxing from me could get him to talk about his feelings. I suspect because he felt like,  if he did talk about it he would not be able to control himself. Better to be silent and still or 'shut down' to use a very  descriptive phrase.

Over time he got back to his usual happy self, I look forward to the day, although it may never arrive, when we can talk about this time in his life.

A child loves their parents, it is unconditional, that is to say the parent could be the worst parent ever, but the child will keep loving the parent. The child will invent a better parent to talk about if need be, the child will only see the good never the bad. I would not wish the pain of realisation on anyone, for anything. It is inevitable when the child starts to become an adult the parent stops being so great, the rose tinted glasses become clear glass, with perfect focus. But the child does not stop loving. Often my thoughts are of that inevitable time in my son's future when he will start to understand that her reasons,  for not always being there for him and forgetting his birthday and Christmas, and so on, and so on, were just excuses for her shortcomings.

I was prepared,  and am still prepared to perpetuate the myth for the sake of his happiness. All I can be is there for him ready to catch him if he falls. On the other hand it could be that he already knows about his mum and her short comings, I have no way of knowing because he just does not discuss his mother with me, nor with anyone else we know. If I try to start a conversation about her he quickly changes the subject, or tells me to stop asking questions. What he feels I think,  is far in advance of how he can articulate,  and when his ability to talk catches up with  what he probably already understands and feels very deeply, then I will be there for him. Meantime while she  was living in the city I would just continue to dodge and weave, and hope he did not get hit.

As it was,  her time in Scotland was relativity short, after about 18 months she told me she was returning to her own country the U.S.A. In that short time she had lived in 12 different places,  had I think five different jobs,  and at least two boyfriends. I did not believe she was leaving, it was just too good to be true,  but then she was leaving a trail of destruction, unpaid rent and bills, stalking ex boyfriend, and her reputation as a decent employee was wearing thin,  her best choice was probably to get the hell out of dodge. I still contacted her sister in the States just to be sure she was expected on the other side of the pond.

Like a lot of autistic children, were their emotions are involved,  my son excepted the situation with little fuss, almost in a matter of fact way. Almost as if he expected it of her, it is possible she had been preparing him for her move for some time, I would not be surprised.

First she started to cut back on the time she saw our son, using various excuses which I am sure were valid. After about six months she lost her job and had moved about three times,  each time there was a change in her life she was able to explain it away to our son. I on the other hand knew I was witnessing a pattern. Each time she moved home,  she stated that the people she was living with were making life difficult,  it was never the other way around. It was the same when she lost her job and subsequent jobs. Street charity vendor, call centre worker, waitress, and so on.

The fact that she was seeing our son less was I think a blessing, it was becoming very apparent to me that for  the short time she was with him every week, she was taking a great effort to keep herself together and show a positive person to the world, mainly me and our son. I was becoming very concerned she might let her guard down and cause some distress to our boy.  I found myself preforming a juggling act trying to keep three or more balls in the air at one time. Hide my concerns from my son and also from his mum and continue  with the visits as if nothing was wrong. I had chosen the path of least resistance,  as I told myself.

For the most part she was harmless, I also told my delusional self. The only real control she had on me was our shared parentage, and the constant doubt she had placed in my mind over the years about whether she would or would not finally lose her hold on reality. But perhaps what she did not realise was that I was aware of this controlling behaviour and only went along with it because of our son.The problem was it had taken it's toll and I was getting jumpy. With her miles away it was fine, but her living in the same city I admit was making me overly nervous, maybe not so harmless then.To use that excellent expression,"I felt like I was stuck between a rock and a hard place".

Every day I would weigh up the situation and every day I  would give her the benefit of the doubt, what would cause more damage, stopping my son seeing his mother altogether or letting him spend a few hours once a week with her? I must have asked that same question of myself several hundreds of times. On more than one occasion I brought him to see his mum then promptly turned around and took him home again because I was not happy with, where she was living at the time, or her appearance would send an alarm ringing in my head. 

We had been in Scotland,  my son and I for well over two years,  when his mother announced she was moving to our city. I can only imagine she had burnt all her boats,  fallen out with her friends, and broken off with her boyfriend. So there was nothing left for her to do but to move closer to her son. I don't think she was doing it for his sake. Naturally I was suspicious when she first told me,  as she was not known for her ability to  follow through with her stated intentions.

Needless to say she did finally move,  all be it three months after she first said she was arriving. Now for my son this was a great thing,  he was only happy about the prospect of her moving. For me though I was starting to feel a little nervous about what it would be like to have her so close. I thought it better that she did not come to our house, ( we had moved by this time ) it would just be too confusing for my son. It was May of 2010 when she moved,  my son was nine by this time. Above all I wanted to protect him from any hurt, I did not want to exposes him to any friction between his mother and I,  and I also had to hide from him the hurt I felt,  the truth was I was angry at his mother for not trying hard enough to except his autism, angry at her obvious embarrassment when she discussed him and his challenges.

Ever willing to give her a second chance I set about involving her in his life,  not just as a mum but also as another supporter for his daily challenges with autism. I was doing this primarily for my son,  if she could have a positive input into his life then it was all to the good. Until she was fully settled I was more than willing to ferry my son around dropping him off and collecting him. Also accommodating her schedule while she searched for work and a more permanent place to live. I got her up to speed with my sons progress,  told her all about the many different good people involved in his life,  all of them making a positive contribution and  helping him over come those  challenges.

At first it seemed things were going well, she found a job and a nice place to live and was seeing our son two or three times a week. I was even able to start a night class, which I attended while she was with my son. But after a few short months her life again began to unravel ..

Every time I brought my son to see his mother,  I could not help thinking she was nervous about seeing him and also unsure how to act in his company. Mainly because every time I brought him,  she would confirm exactly how long he was to be in her charge,  at least twice before I left them."Okay" she would say nervously  "see you in four hours, four hours"
"Yeah " I would reply with a wave " four hours " and I admit with a hint of sarcasm in my voice. Considering he did not see his mother more than four times a year,  four hours was not a great deal of time to catch up or do much of anything,  but my son was unfazed like all his encounters with his mother he accepted them without question. Nor did he speak of them when I collected him.

Aware as I am of the need to talk about our concerns and troubles, it made me a little nervous that my son shared nothing of his visits with his mother. Hard enough to talk to any child about the separation of their parents, but to an autistic child, it was proving to be very complicated. When my son did not want to speak,  he just did not speak,  and no amount of persuasion techniques could inspire him to do otherwise. I spent a lot of time trying to ascertain if he did in fact need some kind of support, wondering often if he was feeling rejected or hurt by what had happened. I spoke to various professionals about my concerns and was told about the kind of support I could get.

For a child of his age and because he has autism, I was advised that a  counciler could,  through play,  try and coax out of him any concerns he might have. The question I was always asked was,  "do you notice anything different in his behaviour?". To be perfectly honest I did not notice any difference in him,  except to say he was always a little quiet,  just after he had seen his mum,  but after an hour or so he would be back to his normal self.  I spoke about my concerns to just about any one I thought would listen,  and one day I was talking to his teacher from the  first class he attended in Scotland. A very wise woman. She said quite simply " maybe he is just fine,  maybe he does not need to talk to any one" as she looked at me she smiled,  and not shirking from the obvious responsibility she was taking on she added " sometimes children have a far greater ability to handle their emotions than we give them credit for"

As for me well I don't think I will ever get off this learning curve.

My son was aged eight and two months,  when his mother finally decided she would visit him in Scotland. Naturally as a very protective parent (some might say over protective ) I wanted to insure this visit would pass with out trouble or distress to my son. That left me with only one choice, hard though it was I had to lead my son to believe that I had no bad feelings towards his mother.

As she was always short of funds,  I assumed she thought she would be staying with us for the two nights she was visiting. I knew that was completely unacceptable,  as I could not guarantee an atmosphere of conviviality.  So I booked her into a local Bed and Breakfast,  fully expecting to pay for her stay. In a phone call before her visit I explained what I had done, her response was complete silence so I put her out of her misery and told her I was paying for her accommodation. She may have had another motive for visiting, as well as seeing her son,  it is likely she thought a reconciliation was possible. That was the furthest thought from my mind.

Her obvious awkwardness on first seeing her son was palatable, and for me excruciating. My son however was oblivious to her discomfort and embarrassment. I was on a very large learning curve,  it had been 18 months since he saw his mother, he was definitely enjoying his new life, but off course he was missing his mother. I can only guess at how his autism would effect his emotions in this circumstance. I am sure he harbored thoughts of his parents reconciling. As it was,  we did all three of us spend some time together, I ,really out of some respect for my son.  I did not want to mislead him in any way,  or ruin the hard work that had been done over the last 18 months. So for the most part I left them in each others company.

I am not sure if she was trying to prove something to me, or if she was just plain nervous about being with our son. But the whole time she was with him, she tried to keep him occupied with a very elaborate art project. Had she had the time to finish we could have covered all the walls in our sitting room with a very funky looking collage. I would return from work to find the sitting room floor covered in paper,  and glue,  and material. It was as if she was afraid of just talking to him. My son however seemed happy enough. The visit ended with out incident, leaving me marveling at my son's ability to accept things, which was the complete opposite to what one might expect from an autistic child. The next time his mother was in Scotland it was to live.