What does it mean to be autistic . I will never know , my son knows but has trouble explaining it , usually after an incident where his autism comes in to play , and he has regained his composure , he is better able to talk me through what has happened to him . Which for a parent of an autistic child is like manner from heaven or at least the angels intervening . For the first 13 years and more of his life I have only had intuition to go on and some calculated guess work .
Now that he is reaching an age were he can actually articulate to me what he is feeling it is like coming up for air after a long and deep dive , after holding my breath for longer than I thought possible for my inadequate lungs .
He says that he starts to think very quickly , which I suppose is akin to panicking but as I understand it his thoughts are still linear , only they are coming a lot faster than normal . So when plans have been changed and he only gets a few minutes notice he starts to think of the negative that could happen but not just one outcome but many . For example perhaps we have been planning a trip for several weeks and an outside force say a friend or relative from out of town decides to visit on that day meaning the plans have to be cancelled but we only find out the day before . He will start to rattle of a list of negative possibilities ,for missing the trip . It is partly my fault because I indulge his need for symmetry in life , but as all parents of autistic children know , to fight against such a powerful force is a long and arduous battle one that is never truly won , and one that can be revisited .
In my case as a lone parent I have to take full responsibility for ruining plans that my son holds so dear . Where in the mechanism of his brain can I find the cogs that will turn his uncontrollable needs to controllable wants that can be put on hold if necessary ? I know not .
But I keep searching at least now at this age my son can begin to be my guide . At least now I have years of experience to look back on .Experience I feel is the key to him better dealing with the panic of the unexpected .
