We were told that special school would only allow my son to attend until he was 5, after which he was to go to mainstream primary. It was felt that initially he could split his time between special school in the mornings and mainstream in the afternoons. Before starting primary the teachers at the school put together a little book of photographs of the school and themselves so my son could get some idea of what to expect. They also arranged a visit. For some reason it was sitting with my son at home looking through this book that most upset, even now. At age 4 and 6 months he did not have much language, and to be flicking through the pages of this book and talking to him about the people and things photographed I felt wholly inadequate. In no way qualified to be preparing my son for what was to be the greatest challenge of his young life.

Many professionals in the field of autism will tell you that from time to time you have to take the autistic child out of his comfort zone; you have to push them so that they can grow their confidence. When it actually comes time to do this, something I see great virtue in, it can be very hard and upsetting. Not just for the child, but also for the parent. The start of mainstream primary school was one of those occasion when my son was taken way out of his comfort zone. He loved the special school, his every need was catered for, he was never out of the sight of one or more carer, who all had experience of working with autism. At the school it was a different matter. Although he had a learning assistant with him at all times he still had cope with a class of nearly 30 other children: a big difference from six. He very nearly reached sensory overload and I am sure it was touch and go for everyone involved whether or not he was going to be able to continue at mainstream. It is why every morning for at least 3 months he had to be coaxed away from me (my ex had passed on that duty to me). We usually ended up at the fish tank at the reception of the school, as he loved the movement of the fish, and it calmed him. That is where I left him most mornings, but I was not able to say goodbye and wish him a good day. I had to slip away unnoticed ...