Guitar Lessons

Education in our society is a must ,without it we can not advance .It matters not in what form this education comes , be it theoretical , practical hands on, watching TV ,or perhaps looking out the window of the bus . The fact of the matter is we need it .

Schools of course provide a formal structure to education and ultimate advancement in life. In this country we can get it for free up to the age 18 , for which I am truly grateful . however providing free education does not mean the educators can not be brought to task . Most especially I feel when it comes to the education of children on the spectrum .

I , as a parent of a child with autism  don't see his autism as others do , I see it as something to be capitalised on , something that if truly recognised can in fact elevate my child above others . But of course I am a parent so it is only natural I would feel this way .

Since he first started to learn to write my son has had difficulty , at first it was thought he did not have the strength in his wrist and hand to properly hold a pen or pencil and for this he was given an attachment for  his pencil to improve his grip , I organised guitar lessons for him thinking I could achieve two goals , one to satisfy his musical curiosity and two to help strengthen his hands .

Both goals were met. Although his writing improved it has never reached a level that would be acceptable on an exam paper. Since around the age of 6 my son has used a mini computer called an 'alpha smart' at school ,( his typing skills are astonishing ). Just like we judge people on appearance , I fear his intelligence was being judged by the standard of his writing .

Sadly and much to my disappointment when it was time this term to attend the parents teachers evening , in which the parents were to discuss the choice of subjects for their children . I discovered that only in some of his subjects was he being encouraged to use the 'alpha smart 'and that the teachers of each subjects were not discussing my sons education .

The teachers using the  'alpha smart ' and getting the best results were not communicating this to the teachers who were allowing him to write free hand . He was most definitely having greater difficulties in the classes where he was writing free hand .

One of his teachers actually said to me ' I am beginning to be able to understand what he is writing ' as if that was an achievement , and if she was to be marking his exam papers that would be excellent .  It does not work that way in our school system.

 

I don't want the person marking my son's exam papers to be told he has autism. I am pretty sure that will not be the case . I know that my son most emphatically does not want the person marking his exam papers to know he has autism .

What I have recognised , is that in educating my son ,his teachers have to do it with a nod and a wink .

We know you have autism , we know, you know , we know . Now lets get down to the best possible way of educating you .

Pining for Primary

  Now that my son has been at secondary school for almost 2 years I am finding myself pining for the days he was at primary. Then the communication I had with the school was excellent .If I wanted to I could speak with his teacher every day ,if I had any concerns .There were less than 300 pupils and by primary 3 my son was well known and well supported within the school .

Now however things are very different . I can email his teachers even telephone his guidance teacher.I will always get a positive response, but it is not the same , he is one pupil amongst 1400 .
A very different dynamic , and as such I feel a little out of touch , much as I did when he first got his diagnosis at age 3 and 1/2 .

I am sure it is not the intention of the school to make me feel this way ,but sadly I do . I long gave up trying to understand autism or even think about the cause . I have instead decided to go along for the journey with my son at the helm , after all he is the one in the eye of the storm. Like any parent I will have advice and experience to pass on .My son is on a unique journey of his own ,the whys and wherefores whilst maybe somewhat enlightening, do not adequately deal with the here and nows .


And as every parent discovers over time ,good teachers are like diamonds ,and for my son , good teachers are the difference between him dipping his toe ,or him diving in ,to a subject . Good teachers are invaluable to all they teach . To some one who has in my view a higher hill to climb , good teachers are the connection he needs to the world where his disability is not in the majority .

Age 14

At age 14 now my son has begun to grapple with the fact he has autism .He does not describe himself as being autistic, but rather as having autism ,to me the distinction is important .It shows me, how he views himself, and his daily challenge with autism. To me it means that in his mind autism does not define him but rather it is something he is faced  with every day .

Recently I was teasing him about one day having a girlfriend and even one day making me a grandfather ,but he rebuked me and said that it would never happen .
Of course it will happen I said ,' any girl would be lucky to have such a sweet kind and caring person as a boyfriend .'
'But Dad 'he replied ' I have autism and that makes me different and a little bit strange , sometimes it becomes too much and I am overwhelmed and I need to calm down ,I don't think that is good boyfriend material .

While listening to his words part of me was jumping for joy ,finally after all these years he was now able to articulate to me how it felt to be him ,and another part of me was feeling very sad for him . I was also wondering how committed he was to abandoning all hope of ever being in a relation ship. Or was this in fact his way of hedging his bets .

I think the latter , and on reflection ,he is not really acting any different from other boys of his age.
I can take heart I feel from the fact that he is able to be so open ,about his autism ,at least with me that is .

I will never know

What does it mean to be autistic . I will never know , my son knows but has trouble explaining it , usually after an incident where his autism comes in to play , and he has regained his composure , he is better able to talk me through what has happened to him . Which for a parent of an autistic child is like manner from heaven or at least the angels intervening . For the first 13 years and more of his life I have only had intuition to go on and some calculated guess work .

Now that he is reaching an age were he can actually articulate to me what he is feeling it is like coming up for air after a long and deep dive , after holding my breath for longer than I thought possible for my inadequate lungs .

He says that he starts to think very quickly , which I suppose is akin to panicking but as I understand it his thoughts are still linear , only they are coming a lot faster than normal . So when plans have been changed and he only gets a few minutes notice he starts to think of the negative that could happen but not just one outcome but many . For example perhaps we have been planning a trip for several weeks and an outside force say a friend or relative from out of town decides to visit on that day meaning the plans have to be cancelled but we only find out the day before . He will start to rattle of a list of negative possibilities ,for missing the trip . It is partly my fault because I indulge his need for symmetry in life , but as all parents of autistic children know , to fight against such a powerful force  is a long and arduous battle one that is never truly won , and one that can be revisited .

In my case as a lone parent I have to take full responsibility for ruining plans that my son holds so dear . Where in the mechanism of his brain can I find the cogs that will turn his uncontrollable needs to controllable wants that can be put on hold if necessary ? I know not .

But I keep searching at least now at this age my son can begin to be my guide . At least now I have years of experience to look back on .Experience I feel is the key to him better dealing with the panic of the unexpected .

Play Scheme

Every summer for the past seven years my son has attended a play scheme organised by our local Autistic society .It is an opportunity for him to spend time with people who have similar challenges in  life  .They organise activities just like any other summer club the difference being that everyone who works for the play scheme has some formal training in working with children with autism . Many of the people working for play scheme are volunteers , they are there to learn and gain experience .

It is the time in his life when I feel he is at his most relaxed .Every day he is collected from our house by mini bus and taken to the play scheme facility . This year it is a new location for the children , and as such all parents were warned before hand and sent photographs .So as to properly prepare their children .

Although I know my son is very proud of the fact he attends main stream school , and he intends to study there until S 6 , he loves his time at play scheme . Primarily I think because he is with like minded people . Some of the children attending are not in mainstream education , because their life challenges are such that they need greater support.

I can only guess what goes through my son's mind regarding his experience at play scheme because he does not really talk about how he feels about attending , but what I do know is that he gains confidence and every morning he is keen to go .

It some ways you could say he has the best of both worlds .When I think back to my days at secondary school I remember that for the most part they were great times .Although my adolescents was at times crushingly hard to bear .With out warning I would loose my cool , usually in the company of girls, with no realisation of what was happening to me . Add autism to the mix and I do not know how I would have coped . Which leads me to believe that my son must , some how have a default setting , one that protects him from the natural disabilities brought on by puberty .


I only really know about my son I can not speak for other autistic teenagers .But given the difficulties faced by the average teenager , to some how be protected from deep embarrassment is a god send .
Embarrassment is not an emotion my son feels often and when he does it is for a short time then he moves on .Almost as if autism was designed this way .

He does not grasp the concept of cool and as such he is the coolest kid walking out of the school gates .

Autism management

As my son grows older and becomes better at managing his autism, I find myself when in company, having to bite my tongue some what . As time passes he is developing coping strategies of his own, without assistance he has begun to discipline himself in his day to day management of his autism .

He is now fully aware that he is not like everyone else . I have made every attempt to help him realise that this is not a bad thing but on the other hand he has something that is unique . Something I think , that is to be envied . Few children of age 13 could have such focus when pursuing their interests ,or be so dedicated to a task as to not leave the job in hand until it is well and truly finished and this applies to all aspects of life .

Although we don't always agree on what is the true definition of finished , when it comes to his food. There has to be something left on the plate , of about one or two mouthfuls . Why ? I have no idea . He knows why , and that is what is important and in the scheme of things this does no harm .

Since I learnt my son was on the spectrum (high functioning) I have been a keen observer of human behaviour . I have watched him interact with other children and adults and noted peoples reactions to him. Sometimes his speech is jilted , sometimes it is monotone and without emotion .What is fascinating to me at this time in his life is how like other teenagers he seems , because the firing hormones have a similar affect on many boys his age. The point I am trying to make is that you could meet my son for the first time and not think he was any different to other boys of his age , you would have to talk to him for some time before small signs of his autism would present .

And that is where I have to bite my tongue , when I am told ' he does not seem autistic at all '. But what they are not aware of is that the whole time he is interacting with other people . or out and about ,on a bus crossing a road , in a shop and so on . He is using all of his self taught skills to manage any given situation he is in . Sometimes it can be excruciating for him .

He knows what needs to be done and he knows how it should be done , but he has to manage the panic , block out the noises , focus his mind . He truly loves life and life's adventure , and he is not going to let a thing like autism get in his way .

My brave son .

Looking for love

Thirteen autistic and looking for love .Don't panic it is only natural we are all looking for love but it can be a little more difficult for those on the spectrum . I mean how do you explain to someone who is not on the spectrum , why sometimes you sound a little cold even when you are talking to your own parents .

You can only play the teenager card so many times. As we were all teenagers once ,we know that we behave a little differently with our parents than we do with our peers . I am finding that is not really the case with my son though , although he is now well into puberty it has not affected his attitude to me ,which is wonderful and very much a relief .

I was not sure how all the hormone activity would affect him ,naturally I was preparing for the worst scenario (tantrums and the like ).But so far it has only really ignited an interest in girls .His initial reaction to this new found hormonal activity in his body as far as attraction is concerned has been one of almost complete shyness and inactivity .He has been struggling with how to actually make contact with the object of his affections , much like any other lad of his age . He has no problem talking to girls , just the one he has a crush on . Which is fine by me ,he can take the next 2 to 3 years to woo her and I would not worry one bit .


I do feel though on a more serious note , that his biggest challenge now as a thirteen year old is to some how cope with the acute awareness he has of himself , with all the hormones bouncing around . And also cope with the fact he is autistic . I know all teenagers have moments of extreme embarrassment , seemingly out with their control. Mixed with the panic that can visit the mind of an autistic child it has to be approaching unbearable for him sometimes.

He seems to be coping thus far.

I often think when he goes of into the world of a morning facing the challenges each day brings , 'What a brave son I have' .You have heard of the saying ' fall of the horse , get back on the horse '.
It is something he is doing on a regular basis .